A few days ago, both myself and my ever-so-amazing girlfriend were watching Jetlag's Schengen Showdown and it sparked a few thoughts. So much so I thought maybe writing it out here might be a good idea to try and see where I sit with it all.
The creative
OK, so what I was thinking wasn't necessarily about the video we were watching, and more about content creation. You see, I am a creative type, and I like to make things. This blog is kind of an example of that, although my writing at times may be disjointed... I am not a good writer.
A long time ago, under a previous guise, I used to have a YouTube channel where I would infrequently upload content. This was around the time of "Is It a Good Idea to Microwave That?" (for those that are lucky enough to remember) and I used to watch Jon's channel of discussions to camera. These were the kinds of videos I used to produce, I guess today they're called vlogs, although they weren't ever about my life.
Needless to say, the channel didn't gain traction. Videos didn't really ever break a significant watch count (other than one or two highly specific ones detailing a cheap netbook and repair) apart from one. Turns out my peers at school discovered my channel and I had a video published of when I once went to Manchester Airport's viewing gallery, they would watch this over and over. I thought I had created an entertaining piece of content, however in later years I worked out they were actually just using it to take the piss out of me. (The Sixth Form depression story is one for another time). Regardless, producing these videos allowed me to learn basic skills in the art of video production.
The perfectionist
In 2016 I found myself at university studying broadcast engineering, and sometimes found myself with spare time. The regular feature I recall watching at this time was Tom Scott's and Matt Grey's Park Bench series, and I thought that I'd like to give something like that a go. I even scouted out potential filming locations of Derby's finest places to sit. Now I know I titled the last section of this post "The creative," but there wasn't much of a creative thought applied to this, it was a shameless format copy. My guess was that having something to emulate would allow me to further hone my skills on videography, creating high quality content. Ultimately I never started the project. Maybe it was the thought of filming in public that put me off, or the realisation that I would have to come up with ideas of what to talk about in these videos.
I did however in the process send Tom an email asking for advice, and he very kindly responded. Kudos for finding the time to reply to a uni student who was pretty much stealing his (and Matt's) format.
From 2017 onwards, life got very busy as I started a new job, and the time for filming anything dwindled away almost entirely. I did toy with the idea of doing a vlog in the car, but then thought that for a multitude of reasons it wasn't a good idea. Since then and now I've seen countless high quality productions on YouTube and thought that I wish I was able to do something like that. That brings me up to more recently, and the previously mentioned Jetlag videos.
It's always the exact same feeling, I wish I could do something like that. But the reality is, these types of productions do have a (relatively) big budget for a YouTube video, and entire teams of people writing scripts, editing, sometimes filming. This would be really hard, nigh on impossible, to do the same but solo. I accept this, and I understand that what I would produce would be a lot more small scale. Indeed I have thoughts on what content I would produce.
The realist
The thing is however, what will I get out of it? Let's be clear, anything I produce is never for monetary reward. I hope that with the content I produce it is entertaining, or at least beneficial to someone. This leads me to ask, Why would anyone watch my videos? They won't, and I know that this shouldn't be a stopper to doing it, but I know that for me if I can't foresee anyone enjoying what I've produced then it would be a huge motivation killer. I'll be honest, sometimes I see this blog as just ranting into the void. There are many thousands of channels on YouTube, probably millions, what would I contribute?
The second reason why I don't feel like I would be able to produce content is down to my personal safety. As a trans woman, I'm realising that I have to be incredibly careful about my online footprint because I could be very easily targeted for just existing. A YouTube channel suddenly doesn't seem like a good idea. Again, this shouldn't be a stopper because the risk just shouldn't exist, but it does, and I don't think the risk is worth taking right now. Yes it sucks.
Radio
I've also done radio presenting in the past and I absolutely loved it. I started on air at a local hospital radio station before moving over to a community radio station. Unfortunately my work commitments ultimately got in the way of this activity, plus the world went through a pandemic. By the time I would have been in a position to go back on air (in terms of the practicalities), I was seriously questioning my identity. Now, this is a very general assumption and I know that it's not completely true, but I feel that some community stations are a bit of an "old boys club," and there's probably a few that wouldn't even entertain the thought of having a transgender person on the books, let alone the schedule.
Okay, yes that's a very bold statement, and I know that there would be some stations and groups out there that would be inviting but the thing that really worries me is the un-hinged anti-trans mob. It would sadden me to see them attack a medium I love, and people that don't need to be dragged into arguments. I fear that in some cases they'd make a station so unviable by chasing advertisers that they're forced to close. This is probably me catastrophising I admit, but it is a concern.
The only radio stations that would be better placed to deal with any potential backlash would be the commercial radio stations, but let's face it, by that point any involvement will be a full time job and in all honesty that's not what I want. I just miss the "buzz" of being on air, maybe one day it'll happen again.
Conclusion
This post doesn't really have a point to conclude I think. It's really just me typing furiously trying to express some thoughts and emotion.
If you would like to leave a comment in relation to this post, please feel free to do so in the Mastodon and Bluesky threads.
Rachel x
This post has been tagged with the follwing tags: